Ailish is mum to 15-year-old and 12-year-old boys. Her 12-year-old was diagnosed with autism 18 months ago. He changes games often, but is currently playing Jurassic World, Blobtown, Roblox and Planet Coaster Two. Her neurotypical 15-year-old enjoys playing Minecraft and Roblox.
How would you describe your children’s online gaming habits and interactions?
“Both of them are similar in that they sometimes want to play with friends and sometimes they’re happy playing on their own,” says Ailish. “The big difference is that my 12-year-old will refer to strangers as friends.” She says this is true for people he’s just met in these online spaces. “One day he might fall out with someone and the next day he’ll be really anxious because of the falling out, even though they’ve only met in the virtual world.”
Ailish highlights the impact these experiences have on how her son sees friendships.
Her eldest son, however, only tends to game with people he knows like his friends, which means her two children have different needs.
How do your children feel about interacting online?
Ailish says that both of her children have different experiences with interactions online. “My 12-year-old might get frustrated when playing with his friends. He sometimes misreads social cues, which can make him very angry and upset.”
She says that her youngest son can appear confident online because he’s in a space where people are talking about something he enjoys. “But he can have intense reactions and emotions to people or things he doesn’t know.”
Has your neurodivergent child ever misunderstood or missed social cues?
“There’s a lot of language used in the virtual reality space that makes me feel uncomfortable as a parent when I hear it,” says Ailish. Unfortunately, her youngest son might copy that language and use it outside of the online space. “He picks up words online — language I wouldn’t use in the house — and then cannot judge what’s appropriate to use in everyday life.”
Her neurotypical child, on the other hand, can better judge what language is and isn’t appropriate depending on the different spaces he engages with.
Have you noticed that your children perceive online risks differently?
“It really depends on the situation,” says Ailish. Her 12-year-old is unlikely to arrange a meet-up with someone he’s interacted with online. However, he does struggle with in-game purchases. “A lot of these games have those deals where you can buy certain bundles now or the price goes up later. It can put a lot of pressure on him as he feels like he needs to have things immediately,” she says. “That pressure can be intense on us financially as a family.”
On the other hand, her 15-year-old will very rarely demand something that’s needed instantly. “He knows what he wants and saves his pocket money to buy it.”
What advice would you give to other parents with children who have different social needs?
“It’s a balance,” says Ailish. “You don’t want to be over your child’s shoulder the whole time, but equally, there is a need for a ‘listening ear’ to pick up on anything that intuitively does not feel quite right, whether that be the conversation they are having, the language they are using or the meltdown that they might be experiencing.”
She also highlights that parents might need to intervene more around written interactions online. “This is harder to police without being there constantly – I guess you have to trust that these sorts of things are moderated if there is anything said that is inappropriate. Occasionally, I do have a look at what is being written – it’s mainly ‘in the moment’ gaming language.”
